We spend all day talking. At work, at home; with our parents, children, friends, colleagues. But how much time do we spend communicating?
Communication is about much more than just talking. It is about listening too. Life is so fast paced, competitive, overwhelming and noisy. The immediacy of social media and email means that we can often feel bombarded by other people’s opinions. This can make us feel an urgency to have our say and convince others we are right. We seem to have lost the art of listening or forgotten the trust, respect and connection that can be fostered through true communication. It is important to remember that this doesn’t just apply to romantic relationships. Communication is essential for any relationship, in any setting. How often do we actually feel heard? And if someone does make you feel heard, would you be more inclined to listen?
How to recognise poor communication?
Recognising the problem is the first step.
- Humour or passive-aggression? – Sometimes we hide our frustration behind humour. Making a joke about your partner always being late can feel much safer than telling them that this is upsetting to you. It can feel as though this is a way to avoid conflict, but it tends to breed resentment. Either because they don’t take the issue seriously (they think it is a joke to you after all!) or because they recognise the passive aggressive comment and they feel frustrated about it.
- Silent or silenced? – The silent treatment can also feel like a way to avoid conflict; you can’t have an argument if you’re not talking. However, in reality this can lead to both of you feel rejected and misunderstood.
- Brushing things under the carpet. Moving on instead of actually dealing with the issue, is just kicking the can down the road. Communication can be hard but it does make things better in the long run!
Learn to listen, listen to learn
Some people are better at listening than others. Maybe you recognise that this isn’t a strength for you or you have someone in mind that you find communication difficult with. Trying to enter into conversations with openness and curiosity can be really helpful. Rather than listening to defend your point of view, think of it as listening to learn where the other person is coming from and what their position is. Remember, taking time to do this does not mean you are agreeing with them!
A barrier to listening can be the fear that you are admitting defeat or agreeing that they are right. Learn to understand each other not defeat each other. There are no winners or losers here! Don’t focus on who wins or who is in the right. You don’t need to talk the other person over to your point of view. Focusing on winning the argument will only make things much worse in the long run. Instead focus on being heard and listening. Acknowledge what their saying and appreciate their point of view. Even if you don’t agree with their position, respect how they feel and focus on finding a compromise. The goal is to come to a mutual understanding.
How can I communicate better?
- Process your own feelings first. Before your talk to your partner, take some time to reflect on your emotions. This can help ensure things don’t escalate and that you stay on topic, the issues at hand.
- Consider timing. Choosing the right time to talk can make all the difference. Giving them a heads up that you would like to sit down and have a conversation can help them to prepare for the conversation. This reduces the chance of them reacting defensively in the moment if they feel blindsided.
- Be present. You cannot truly listen to someone and do something else at the same time. Ask for them to also take the time to stop what they are doing and focus on the topic at hand.
- ‘I’ not ‘you’. Words have power! Choosing your words carefully can make all the difference. “I feel rejected when you prioritise work” sounds much less accusatory than “you’re always prioritising work”.
- Write it down. We all process our emotions differently. If communicating verbally is tricky, consider thinking outside the box and writing it down instead. You could ask them to write their responses too.
- Take space. It’s ok to need a break or some space from the conversation but the person who leaves has the responsibility to come back. The ball is in your court, it doesn’t start from zero again. Not making an effort to return to the conversation again when you feel ready leaves the other person feeling rejected and dismissed.
If we can approach conversations with curiosity and kindness, rather than judgement and fear, taking becomes communication and that gets us much further!